woman, 30, sobs to All Time Low music video on couch at 2 AM
In the fall of 2020, I completely lost my creative spark.
The pandemic was raging, streets were burning, and try as I might, I couldn’t stop myself from consuming terrible news stories the same way one might mindlessly consume potato chips…
…which only reinforced the sinking feeling that it was selfish (dare I say reprehensible) for me to make art just for fun or pleasure…
…even though creating for fun and pleasure was, uh, what I built my entire career upon?
For the first time in a long time, I froze.
I stopped making personal work.
I did juuuuuust above the bare minimum to keep my business afloat.
Four months deep into my creative funk, I found myself laying on the couch at midnight with my laptop on my tummy (I call this the Millennial Sea Otter).
Two glasses of red wine in and feeling utterly lost, I typed the following words into the Google search bar:
“Why does art matter?”
The results I got ranged from philosophical to psychological but generally fell into these two categories:
Art adds beauty to a world that can be quite ugly sometimes, and that beauty is essential for the survival of humanity.
Art is simply how humans express themselves and process the world around them, so the arts give us a window into our collective experience and history.
Reading through the answers, I thought I’d find at least ONE that could help me get my spark (aka my will to create) back.
My response to all of them?
“Meh.”
(Side note: Depression runs in my family, so I’ve been keeping close tabs on my mental health ever since I was a teen. I don’t share much about this in order to protect people’s privacy, but while writing this, I realized that in hindsight what I was going through sounds a bit like depression. While I never received a diagnosis, this was honestly the lowest I’d felt in a decade. So yeah, check in with yourself, talk with your people, and seek help if you need it!)
Eventually, I gave up my search for logical motivation and retreated to YouTube for some good ol’ fashioned 2 AM internet escapism.
Exhausted enough to defer to the homepage algorithm, I saw there was a new-ish music video from All Time Low, a pop punk band I liked in high school but hadn’t heard much about in a while.
As the video began playing, I thought to myself, “I didn’t know they were still making music.”
And that’s when the sobbing started.
Maybe it was the nostalgia from watching a band from my teenage years...
Maybe it was the admiration that they were still putting themselves out there after all these years (when I myself felt incapable of doing the same)...
Maybe it was the thought of all the creative people (actors, stylists, film crew, editors, etc) who got paid to use their gifts to contribute to this music video...
Whatever it was…I completely lost it
I thought I was looking for the answer to why art mattered and that would be the key to unlocking my creativity again.
But in that moment, I realized that what I was really searching for was proof that art mattered (and perhaps permission to pursue it again).
The look on someone’s face when they’re doing something they love is hard to describe and impossible to ignore.
And, silly as it may sound, watching these dudes in their mid-30’s jamming out in this music video and clearly having a great time was that unexpected proof.
Over the course of the next few weeks, the tide within me began to shift.
I knew I needed something fun to work on to get my spark back…
So I gave myself permission to explore a silly idea that was close to my heart: a series of ice cream sundaes inspired by my favorite emo/pop-punk albums.
I called this new passion project Taking Back Sundae, briefed my designer Kristle on it, and we joyfully got to work.
What resulted was the healing, creative balm I so desperately needed but had denied myself for so long.
My brain couldn’t stop coming up with ideas because I was focusing on two things I love deeply.
My creativity felt challenged by exploring a new skill (food styling)...not to mention the squeals of delight we had during our first photo shoot when we finally saw the idea brought to life!
It was electrifying, and I credit this passion project with recovering my creative spark.
I wanted to share this story because I know each and every one of us has experienced a unique emotional rollercoaster over the past two years.
Many of you have likely felt (or currently feel) like I described myself feeling at the beginning of this email.
If that’s you, consider this email permission to explore a creative project that lights you up inside.
(Let's save you the trouble of finding a random music video to cry to in the wee hours of the morning like I did lol.)
We all contribute in different ways, and you never know when someone needs to hear what you have to say or see the little thing you made.
I’m not saying that creating what you’re passionate about will save the world…
But it can save your world.
(And possibly the worlds of all the people watching you do what you love, too ♥)
